Fri, 18 Jul 2014 19:08:50 GMT

This one is a little outside of format, as it originated in my postbox rather than online in my mailbox. It was completely unmarked on the outside, save the bold black type that promised 'important personal and confidential information' and that it was crucial that I 'open immediately'. You will be surprised to find that I was disappointed.

To Whom It May Concern at BankG.com

Yesterday I received mail from your company, or at least somebody who purported to be. I was promised that there was 'important personal and confidential information enclosed'. I was never one to miss a chance for a leg up, and thus you might not be surprised to hear that I snatched it up and tore it open. Feel free to picture, for a moment, the disappointment, and perhaps the touch of betrayal on my face when I realised that our 'first impression', at which no man receives a second chance, was in fact some cheap one-of-a-thousand auto loan refinancing solicitation.

The information which was personal was in no way confidential, and that which was confidential was by no means personal, if you receive my meaning. And I regret to say, none of it was important. Now, I suppose it's possible that the intended contents of my envelope 'hae gang agley' as the poet Burns might have said (woo not one of those words triggered the autocorrect -CJ), and if that is indeed the case then please follow up with a corrected version and we'll speak no more of this. Otherwise I shall have to say thank you for a well meant but lamentable attempt at securing my business, and if we meet on the street I shall trust you not to try to make eye contact.

David Warwick
Acquisitions and Releases
The Mirthful Brothers, LLC

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