cyrano | So much to lose here in this lonely place

So much to lose here in this lonely place

I do not know if my mood is caused or just complemented by my music, but I've been listening to Sarah McLachlan in the car ever since I hunted down a copy of the new album. Tired. Hate work. Sharply aware of how little I'm actually accomplishing with my life. And thinking 'fuck it, I'm almost surviving, what more do you want from me?'

But I got to attend most of movie night here, and then went to the Palo Alto Munch.
Jim, I said hi to Yani. And I got introduced around, and I got multiple hugs from Lenora. She gave me a quick run down on who she likes and who she doesn't. And I got a flyer for classes this weekend which I will likely pass on.

And now, despite it being late and me having eaten three whole meals today, I'm starving.

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I like Sarah's new album. It's a little sad and melancholy.

Well, yes, much like her last four albums. Except often they're a lot sad and melancholy. Much like Loreena McKennit, or Dido, or Green Day, I know pretty much what I'm going to get when I buy one of her albums. And I still can't wait. (Which is obvious given that this is the first CD I've bought new in about four years.)

You're not alone, and there's always chocolate!
-Ki

Well, see, chocolate is part of the problem. That whole sugar monkey thing. But I'm glad to hear you're still alive and doing well. Every time I'd visit Seattle I'd say "So Larry, what do you hear from our infamous girl?"
I'm not alone. It's one of the only things that keeps me upright. I'm a very lucky man.

Ah... we'll have to convert you to cocoa nibs. All the good stuff, none of the bad stuff. You haven't tried anything till you've had berries with cocoa nibs and a little creme fraiche!
Still alive, still doing well, still slogging away at the Evil Empire. 'fraid Larry hasn't visited at all lately, which I hope he'll remedy pronto. We should catch up too.

What were you planning to accomplish?

Some sort of career might have been a nice start. A degree would probably be satisfying. Any indication that, should I God Forbid get shot by an irate passenger who will not be able to make it to Aunt Winnifred's Famous Thanksgiving Dinner in time for the Glazed Tuna course, there would be some indication that I ever existed by the time New Year's Day rolled around, I guess.
Aside from a spectacular trial a la the Menendez brothers.

First off, your trial would be eclisped by Michael Jackson farting at his arrainment.

[Weird Philosopher Mode]

There would be record. All of us folks you've befriended over the years.

But are the degree and career things that you really want, or things that society has told you You Should Have?

The career I actually want, because it would provide financial stability that I desperately desire. It would also give me some feeling that there was a direction to my life, rather than meandering from place to place because they paid me to be there.
The degree, for strictly me benefits, is getting back to school and concentrating on learning things again. I liked learning things. In fact, one of the reasons I don't have a degree is that I took classes to learn things rather than to get a degree. But a degree would again be a concrete thing I could point to and say "I have done that." It would also, from all I have heard, probably make getting the jobs I want easier.

In a lot of ways degrees are overrated. I'm a prime example of how "having a degree" has not made getting a job any easier. In fact it made it harder when I was looking for "real" jobs. Witness my current situation.

A lot of learning you'd do in the course of getting the sheepskin would be BS that does not interest you, but administration has declared are Things You Should Know. Probably why you gave up in the first place; hasn't changed any.

There are lots of ways to learn things, even scholarly things, without ever setting a foot in a classroom. They don't give you an embossed piece of paper at the end though. And they don't cost tens of thousands of dollars either.

Maybe what I'm really looking for is a way to convince myself that the potential I'm supposed to have isn't being let to rot.

Man, do I feel this.

To the bottom of my 30-year-old-feel-like-a-waste-of-space soul.

I also have no answer.

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So much to lose here in this lonely place

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