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I'm pretty sure this is not a Landover Baptist/Onion article.
Stolen from Ebonlock, an article about Utah County Utah Republicans debating whether illegal immigrants, acting on orders from Satan, are teaming up with the Democrats to kill all Republicans and then force them to have abortions.
Choice snippets reproduced below, but feel free to read them in context where, I am certain, they make far more sense and don't sound quite as ludicrous. (Okay, I'm not sure. I think that somebody's been taking crazy juice instead of the blood of Christ at sacrament.)
Don Larsen, chairman of legislative District 65 for the Utah County Republican Party, had submitted a resolution warning that Satan's minions want to eliminate national borders and do away with sovereignty.
Illegal aliens are in control of the media,* and working in tandem with Democrats, are trying to "destroy Christian America" and replace it with "a godless new world order -- and that is not extremism, that is fact," Larsen said.
Another, who declined to give her name to the Daily Herald, said illegal immigrants should not be allowed because "they are not going to become Republicans and stop flying the flag upside down. ... If they want to be Americans, they should learn to speak English and fly their flag like we do."
Senator Howard Stephenson, R-Draper, spoke against the resolution, saying Larsen, whom he called a "true patriot and a close friend," was embarrassing the Republican Party.
"I agree with 95 percent of this resolution but it has some language that is divisive and not inspiring other people to its vision," he said. "This only gives fodder to the liberal media to give negative attention to the Republican Party."**
"If the Democrats take over the country, we will be dead, and we will have abortion and partial-birth abortion and the Republican Party will go into extinction,"*** he said. "Nancy Pelosi and the ACLU would oppose this (resolution)."
In a speech, Enid Greene, state Republican Party chair, announced to applause that she will remarry in a few months.**** Greene's first marriage came to an infamous end during her tenure in the U.S. House of Representatives when her husband, Joe Waldholtz, who was her campaign manager, was charged with embezzling. He eventually pled guilty to campaign fraud and other charges.
Lt. Governor Gary Herbert said Utah County Republicans are "guided by correct principles" and are the "best of the best" of the Republican Party.*****
Shurtleff said that while Americans are divided on the war in Iraq, Salt Lake Mayor Rocky Anderson should not refer to President Bush as a war criminal.******
*Has anyone told the Jews? They're going to be pissed off.
**I cannot imagine anybody would stoop so low as to mock a man just for thinking that the illegal immigrants control the media and plan to not become Republicans.
***You know, it sounds easy, but it's really not. When the Democrats took control in 1993 they tried to execute all the Republicans, but they couldn't decide which wine would go best with brie and firing squads. Tragic, really.
****Good on you, Enid. Who says that the media only reports the bad news?
*****I.... no. It's just too easy at this point. There are the fish, there's the barrel. You go ahead and do it.
******Come on, Rocky, play nice. (Hee. Rocky.)
Stolen from Ebonlock, an article about Utah County Utah Republicans debating whether illegal immigrants, acting on orders from Satan, are teaming up with the Democrats to kill all Republicans and then force them to have abortions.
Choice snippets reproduced below, but feel free to read them in context where, I am certain, they make far more sense and don't sound quite as ludicrous. (Okay, I'm not sure. I think that somebody's been taking crazy juice instead of the blood of Christ at sacrament.)
Don Larsen, chairman of legislative District 65 for the Utah County Republican Party, had submitted a resolution warning that Satan's minions want to eliminate national borders and do away with sovereignty.
Illegal aliens are in control of the media,* and working in tandem with Democrats, are trying to "destroy Christian America" and replace it with "a godless new world order -- and that is not extremism, that is fact," Larsen said.
Another, who declined to give her name to the Daily Herald, said illegal immigrants should not be allowed because "they are not going to become Republicans and stop flying the flag upside down. ... If they want to be Americans, they should learn to speak English and fly their flag like we do."
Senator Howard Stephenson, R-Draper, spoke against the resolution, saying Larsen, whom he called a "true patriot and a close friend," was embarrassing the Republican Party.
"I agree with 95 percent of this resolution but it has some language that is divisive and not inspiring other people to its vision," he said. "This only gives fodder to the liberal media to give negative attention to the Republican Party."**
"If the Democrats take over the country, we will be dead, and we will have abortion and partial-birth abortion and the Republican Party will go into extinction,"*** he said. "Nancy Pelosi and the ACLU would oppose this (resolution)."
In a speech, Enid Greene, state Republican Party chair, announced to applause that she will remarry in a few months.**** Greene's first marriage came to an infamous end during her tenure in the U.S. House of Representatives when her husband, Joe Waldholtz, who was her campaign manager, was charged with embezzling. He eventually pled guilty to campaign fraud and other charges.
Lt. Governor Gary Herbert said Utah County Republicans are "guided by correct principles" and are the "best of the best" of the Republican Party.*****
Shurtleff said that while Americans are divided on the war in Iraq, Salt Lake Mayor Rocky Anderson should not refer to President Bush as a war criminal.******
*Has anyone told the Jews? They're going to be pissed off.
**I cannot imagine anybody would stoop so low as to mock a man just for thinking that the illegal immigrants control the media and plan to not become Republicans.
***You know, it sounds easy, but it's really not. When the Democrats took control in 1993 they tried to execute all the Republicans, but they couldn't decide which wine would go best with brie and firing squads. Tragic, really.
****Good on you, Enid. Who says that the media only reports the bad news?
*****I.... no. It's just too easy at this point. There are the fish, there's the barrel. You go ahead and do it.
******Come on, Rocky, play nice. (Hee. Rocky.)