cyrano: (Sharp Teeth)
This one is a little outside of format, as it originated in my postbox rather than online in my mailbox. It was completely unmarked on the outside, save the bold black type that promised 'important personal and confidential information' and that it was crucial that I 'open immediately'. You will be surprised to find that I was disappointed.

To Whom It May Concern at

Yesterday I received mail from your company, or at least somebody who purported to be. I was promised that there was 'important personal and confidential information enclosed'. I was never one to miss a chance for a leg up, and thus you might not be surprised to hear that I snatched it up and tore it open. Feel free to picture, for a moment, the disappointment, and perhaps the touch of betrayal on my face when I realised that our 'first impression', at which no man receives a second chance, was in fact some cheap one-of-a-thousand auto loan refinancing solicitation.

The information which was personal was in no way confidential, and that which was confidential was by no means personal, if you receive my meaning. And I regret to say, none of it was important. Now, I suppose it's possible that the intended contents of my envelope 'hae gang agley' as the poet Burns might have said (woo not one of those words triggered the autocorrect -CJ), and if that is indeed the case then please follow up with a corrected version and we'll speak no more of this. Otherwise I shall have to say thank you for a well meant but lamentable attempt at securing my business, and if we meet on the street I shall trust you not to try to make eye contact.

David Warwick
Acquisitions and Releases
The Mirthful Brothers, LLC
cyrano: (Smarter than you)
ali bello <> wrote:

TEL/FAX:/+ 228 99 121 99

Attention: Jones ,

I have decided to contact you due to the urgency of this matter.Let me start by introducing myself properly to you.I am BARRISTER ALI BELLO the Attorney to your late uncle Engr.J.B.Jones (Snr) a contractor with the Federal Government of lome-togo,until his death last two years ago in political crisis in Abidjan capital of Cote d'Ivoire,He Banked with Standard Trust Securities,lome-togo and had a closing balance as at the end of September, 2003 worth US$10,000,000.00(Ten Million United States Dollars).

The financial firm now expects the Next of Kin to come forward as Beneficiary.Efforts has been made by the Standard Trust Securities of lome-togo to get in touch with any of the Deceased Family Relatives,but they have met with no success.

As the deceased being a foreigner,that was why I decided to contact you so that you can put claim on this fund as you bear the same last name with him.Now the management under the influence of the bank Chairman and Members of the Board of directors, that arrangement has been made for the fund to be declared Unclaimed In order to avert this negative development, it is my duty to contact you so that you can stand as the next of kin to his properties.All documents and proof to enable you get this fund will be carefully worked out by me for this claim.I have secured from the probate an order of Mandamus to locate any of the deceased beneficiaries,and more so I am assuring you that this claim is 100% risk free.

Now it is left for you to deceide on what you will give me as my percentage for assisting you in this claim.I hope to hear from you soon or call me immediately you receive this mail on this phone number + 228 99 121 99.

I want to let you know that this trasaction have to be done legitimately and confidential as i dont want any one to know that you are not the right applicant.


Yours Sincerely,

Re: Attention:!!! Cyrano Jones
Friday, August 17, 2007 4:24 PM
From: "Feet of Clay, Heart of Gold" <>

I must confess to a certain curiosity; who gave you this name? I haven't heard the name 'Cyrano Jones' in years. There is a certain nostalgia to it, but at the same time there are some bodies that ought to remain buried, if you receive my meaning. Terrible things happened during the war. Terrible things. They told us we were fighting for the Empire, and young fools that we were, we believed them.
Jones. Jones. It's like some terrible church bell, tolling a day you thought you'd never see again, isn't it? You'd expect some warning--a dark shape rising up out of the water that you sense the movement of before it surfaces--wouldn't you? Something like this?
And J.B. I certainly never expected to hear that name again. My uncle. More like my gaoler, my tormentor, my support, my lifeline, my angel. He was named for Joshua, you know. From the bible. General of the Exodus, Lieutenant under Moses and leader of the invasion of Palestine. I'll bet grandmum and granddad never suspected how appropriate that naming would turn out to be.
I fear I've wandered a bit from the topic at hand. What is it you want, then? To expose us? Some self-righteous article in the Times? Or is this just another tawdry blackmail attempt? If it is, I'll warn you that we've weathered far worse from far more talented men than yourselves. You take that risk upon yourself if you strive against us.

The Very Reverend Hugh Latimer
Bourne Abbey
cyrano: (Uncle Scar)
Again, please do not flood this poor fellow with emails or otherwise harass or embarrass him.
He's a spammer, and that's punishment enough. )
cyrano: (Default)
Amusing myself at spammers' expense again. )

I highly discourage anybody from writing to his address and saying that you found this email address amongst the personal effects of an aged relative who died under mysterious circumstances. Or something like that. Because that wouldn't be any fun at all.

Hah. Who needs people I actually *know* to do the epistolary fiction project?
cyrano: (cornfield)
I'm now not just late for work but amazingly late for work. And I'm making this post anyway. Why the hell not?

I just spent an hour on the phone with Apria Health Care to find out how many payments I had left to make on my night-time breathing apparatus. I was transferred, put on hold, transferred some more, more holding, then transferred to my insurance company who confirmed my 'WTF' and said yeah, they weren't going to be able to answer that question. Finally, Ted in billing said "I can help you. Let me put you on hold for a minute." He had to go find a supervisor. Apparently there were three different contracts extant on my hardware. All had different dates, and none of them had a listed termination. Because termination is based on delivery, and none of the three had records of delivery. "It's yours, right now," he said, and apologized for the confusion.

And it's another Fucking iMafia moment. They asked if I wanted to update QuickTime, and I said what the hell, go ahead. That was last night. This morning it finally finished and said "Oh by the way I also updated iTunes lucky you hurrah okay love you byebye."
And now I can't play anything on iTunes. Trying generates a fatal system error which requires shutting down and restarting.

I am livid and really should just call in sick to work.

September 2017



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