![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Something Just Broke
Oct. 12th, 2016 10:22 am(Early aside: Despite the fact that maybe three people will see my icon here on Dreamwidth, I spend an awful lot of time choosing it.)
Lately things have been more okay. I'm at peace with myself in a way I never have before. I don't have a job, and while that's definitely not ideal, I'm not tearing myself apart about it. I don't feel like I'm a failure as a person. I'm accomplishing things that may at least bring in some income, if not enough to be an actual job. Emotionally, I think I'm maturing. I'm not sure if counseling is helping or not, but I'm still going, I'm still open to the process. I still have depressions, and that's not surprising. I have come to terms with the idea that I'll probably always have them, and I'm working to positively work with them. AmberCon is two-plus weeks away, and I haven't had any of my usual panic over not being ready, and how my games are doomed to be giant pits of not fun and everybody will hate me. I feel on top of it, and my big problem there is being impatient that other people are not as excited as I am and aren't writing back soon enough for my tastes.
And my blood pressure keeps rising. My diet hasn't changed, so I don't think that's it. And I associate rising blood pressure with emotional stress. It's possible that I'm repressing all my emotional turbulence, but I really don't think that's the issue. And this concerns me, because one of the few things I've been able to count on as my body fails me in different ways over the years is that my blood pressure is 'on the higher end of normal'. It saddens me to lose that.
Lately things have been more okay. I'm at peace with myself in a way I never have before. I don't have a job, and while that's definitely not ideal, I'm not tearing myself apart about it. I don't feel like I'm a failure as a person. I'm accomplishing things that may at least bring in some income, if not enough to be an actual job. Emotionally, I think I'm maturing. I'm not sure if counseling is helping or not, but I'm still going, I'm still open to the process. I still have depressions, and that's not surprising. I have come to terms with the idea that I'll probably always have them, and I'm working to positively work with them. AmberCon is two-plus weeks away, and I haven't had any of my usual panic over not being ready, and how my games are doomed to be giant pits of not fun and everybody will hate me. I feel on top of it, and my big problem there is being impatient that other people are not as excited as I am and aren't writing back soon enough for my tastes.
And my blood pressure keeps rising. My diet hasn't changed, so I don't think that's it. And I associate rising blood pressure with emotional stress. It's possible that I'm repressing all my emotional turbulence, but I really don't think that's the issue. And this concerns me, because one of the few things I've been able to count on as my body fails me in different ways over the years is that my blood pressure is 'on the higher end of normal'. It saddens me to lose that.