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Another town and one more show
Aug. 22nd, 2003 11:35 pmI think I need to look at changing my medications again. Since I went back up to full dosage, I have either not been any more energized or I've been doing more because I don't feel any less tired. On top of that, I am far more irritable and angry and despairing and all those violent negative emotions. Maybe that's where my extra energy is going.
For the first time in two and a half years, my life is feeling manageable again. I can pay my bills and even save a little for things like taking the car to the shop. I'm not doing as much around the house as I'd like, or seeing people socially, but these are minor bumps.
However. My job is more frustrating, I am more resistant to 'doing what needs to be done to survive today' when I find it an unpalatable long-term solution, people are stupider, and I am fiercely dissatisfied with nothing in particular.
I am less tolerant of my own failures along with everybody else's. My emotions are more virulent--the medication appears to be exacerbating my manic depression rather than dealing with it. Maybe I'm not manic depressive or I'm not any more and I'm just depressed. I don't know. I've got an appointment next Thursday with the doctor who doesn't prescribe medication. I'll sit down with her and tell her this and see what she does.
Maybe she'll have me sedated and put in protective. Maybe she'll recommend group therapy. Which I think will be useless to me. Maybe she'll have thoughts on new meds. Maybe she'll just nod and hum pensively.
For the first time in two and a half years, my life is feeling manageable again. I can pay my bills and even save a little for things like taking the car to the shop. I'm not doing as much around the house as I'd like, or seeing people socially, but these are minor bumps.
However. My job is more frustrating, I am more resistant to 'doing what needs to be done to survive today' when I find it an unpalatable long-term solution, people are stupider, and I am fiercely dissatisfied with nothing in particular.
I am less tolerant of my own failures along with everybody else's. My emotions are more virulent--the medication appears to be exacerbating my manic depression rather than dealing with it. Maybe I'm not manic depressive or I'm not any more and I'm just depressed. I don't know. I've got an appointment next Thursday with the doctor who doesn't prescribe medication. I'll sit down with her and tell her this and see what she does.
Maybe she'll have me sedated and put in protective. Maybe she'll recommend group therapy. Which I think will be useless to me. Maybe she'll have thoughts on new meds. Maybe she'll just nod and hum pensively.