And the rocks below say 'Throw your skinny body down, son.'

[cyrano]

It's way too late, I'm still up, and I'm going to be a very sad puppy in a couple of hours when the alarm goes off. Still feeling sore, and got that clutching pain in my chest again. But I am more concerned for Mei's back right now. If you're reading this, I'll say that I think you should see a Heather if it continues for much longer.
I got to play Feng Shui and Fweeps tonight, both of which were very fun.

---

I was forced to take a look at the self-destructive urge lurking inside me again recently. I didn't like it much. Part of me wants me dead, or at best it considers me not worth the effort to keep alive. I'm getting better, despite what appearances say. But some days, when I'm sore and cold and tired and frustrated, that part of me wins a battle. The worst part is that I might not even notice when it does.
When I rode CalTrain every day, there would be times when I'd sit on the platform and contemplate the track and think of how easy it would be to let myself fall into the trench as one of the express trains whipped through. I wouldn't even have to throw myself in, just stop trying to hold myself up and let my body drop. It never went beyond the realm of consideration and fancy, but after the fact it would still leave me shaken at the cool and analytical fashion in which I had considered the act. Like it was a hypothetical situation with a total stranger I hadn't seen and would never see.
Back in Corvallis, there was a two month period (...or was it longer? Time did funny things at that point) where the entire world became amazingly not-real. Like I could reach out and put my hand through parts of it--buildings, people, whatever--without resistance. Increasingly, I became an isolated observer, the only member of the audience in a cinema watching a movie. It reminded me about the fairy tale of the midwife who got a dollop of mystic goo in her eye while birthing a Fairy noble's child and could suddenly see Arcadia and the fairy world through that eye. Except that I didn't have any world to go to, I was just being quietly shuffled off the one I was in. It was probably Autumn, because I remember a lot of fog and maybe rain.
I don't know if those two phenomena are related. I don't even know if I'm making sense. I'm just talking and hoping my chest hurts less so I can go to sleep. Maybe a little alcohol--it's a muscle relaxant.

Comments

[technoboggan.livejournal.com]

*hug*

I'm here, if you ever want to talk... Hell, I'm here, even if you don't...

I would be shaken to the core to wake some morning to a world with no Chuck... The world would be a colder and less magical place for me...

*hug*

What she said

[ex-lucianus799.livejournal.com]

I do not know if it helps, but I understand that it is perfectly normal to have annihilation fantasies.

I took CalTrain home last night, and reveled at its approach, feeling the blast of air as an express streaked by the station, noting that even standing at the edge of the yellow safe zone it is an easy collapse off of the landing. Just do you not suddenly go out and buy a motorcycle. ;)

Anyway, I hope your mind and body recover sooner rather than later.

Re: What she said

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

Yeek. No. Motorcycles scare the shit out of me in practise. In theory they're very cool and I like the image. So I ride them in role playing games, but...
In real life, the thought of downsiding and sliding across the asphalt on the delicate ball joint of my knee until the cartilege wears away is pretty dissuading.
Annihilation is one thing. Pain sucks.

[l2g.livejournal.com]

You are loved, and the world (whether it knows it or not) is a better place for having you as a part of it.

Happy Winter Solstice!

crying too hard to write at the very idea

[wilson-lizard.livejournal.com]

Hang in there. I love you too. I hope you realise just how much of a positive influence you have been in my life. You've really helped me a lot. *hugs*

Point of clarification

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

I failed to proofread this entry, in my addled state, for public consumption. The victories that crabbed bunchback part of me that hates me, they're when I think that I'm useless and say so in front of my friends, or I call in sick because I can't stand the thought of getting up that day. It's got a long way to go before it wins the war and actually destroys me.
And I dearly love those of you who are concerned for me, and it's very reassuring (especially in this season) to hear from you.

long-distance

[aelfsciene.livejournal.com]

You've got a lot of hugs building up, since I'm nowhere near you right now; I hope you have a wonderful holiday, though. But you're missed, and I'm looking forward to Thursday the third, when we'll hopefully watch Muppets or something else keen.

Love All Over

[adiaz.livejournal.com]

Though it rarely helps when the urge strikes you, it often helps later. From the look of these comments, you're loved all over the States--and for all I know, beyond. :) Hugs from Atlanta.

yarf

[(Anonymous)]

This is a Jules, who doesn't want to bother creating an account yet.
There are times, even recently, when I just don't want to keep moving. Just don't want to keep finding ways to keep moving. I've never actively done anything about it. I just had the /feeling/.
'Not worth the effort to keep alive'. Yes.

Not at all entertaining. But we're still here.

Re: yarf

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

And I'm very glad for it. (: