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cyranoHome way too late--gaming went about an hour and a half past my usual bedtime, but it was good to get out of the house and see folks.
Main reason I'm here is to record a thought that for some reason I stumbled across at work this afternoon around five o'clock. Is it possible that the reason I'm so damned determined to take care of myself and not ask for help is not so much my caretaker nature that demands that I not make demands but instead is more the fact that I'm frightened to depend on somebody enough to give them the leverage to fuck me over?
And if so, does this change my behaviour any, outside of acknowledging my motivation? I still don't particularly /want/ to be fucked over after all.
And does that sentence parse at all to anybody besides me?
Main reason I'm here is to record a thought that for some reason I stumbled across at work this afternoon around five o'clock. Is it possible that the reason I'm so damned determined to take care of myself and not ask for help is not so much my caretaker nature that demands that I not make demands but instead is more the fact that I'm frightened to depend on somebody enough to give them the leverage to fuck me over?
And if so, does this change my behaviour any, outside of acknowledging my motivation? I still don't particularly /want/ to be fucked over after all.
And does that sentence parse at all to anybody besides me?
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Re: Makes sense to me
Date: 2002-03-08 10:52 am (UTC)I like how money can be spent on opportunities to make life-long memories. I like throwing money at problems that can be fixed by money. It's only money. I can make more. But I'm hugely sensitive that money is a powerful symbol for security -- life itself, in our white-collar society where subsistence farming is out of the question -- so I never try to impose with it.
Best case, a no-strings gift of cash is a token of unconditional love. And most of us have the good manners to gratitude for it, or guilt for not feeling grateful. Which I think is too bad, because any gift should be a celebration of mutual esteem, not a tally or a burden.
Anyway, do let us know if it comes down to a stay-or-go decision. (I'm sure you will, so this request is mostly for my sake in saying it.) Don't want the Chuck to go away!