Coyote Cinema: Three Musketeers

[cyrano]

No coherent review here. My big problem is that this movie is sort of the reverse of Real Steel--you start with a great story and then suck all the heart out of it. And all you need to make a Three Musketeers movie is a little heart. Orlando Bloom with facial hair looks like **Matt Nathanson** y'all. Srs. It's nice to give de Winter an active role and all, but... remember when Milla Jovovich was a model with a funny accent who couldn't act? She doesn't have an accent any more. There were a few "Oh hey that's kind of interesting" or "Yay they kept that bit" and then there was a whole lot of "WTF? WTFF?" and "Wait, really?" But hey, it had dirigibles, so it's SteamPunk. And the kids love them some SteamPunk, yeah?

In the end, the best part of this was Planchet. Two wags.

Comments

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

Agreed on Planchet, though I still contend that the complete inability of either group involved in an airship battle to contemplate what might possibly occur if one were to, say, shoot the balloon holding the damn ship up in the air moved this film from "dumb but ok" to "OMG make it stop!" Also what the hell was up with them straight up stealing the entire Mutara Nebula sequence from Wrath of Khan? "Two dimensional thinking, Captain."

[tersa.livejournal.com]

I am so glad you pretty much agreed with my review. :)

[amanda_lodden.livejournal.com]

I can actually live with the Mutara Nebula bit in this case, because

1) It's a society/culture that is not used to flying things. In Star Trek, the concept of three-dimensional movement has been around for a couple centuries. In this, it's been around for about 10 minutes. (Okay, presumably the people on the guards' ship have trained on the airship for a bit, so let's call it a few months.)

2) When the musketeers are finally revealed as being "up", they don't drop down to level before shooting. They just shoot. Musketeer cannons can be angled to shoot up or down, but apparently phasers cannot.

Still, it doesn't take a genius to realize what the weakness of the airship is, and the idea that they started out aiming for the strongest part of their enemy's vessel is laughable.

[marialuminous.livejournal.com]

I just got back from seeing it too. And I was surrounded on all sides by a bunch of feminist sociologists. We had some fantastic conversations about it afterward. I rather liked it for the costumes and the eye candy, but if I had tried to follow the plot or make sense of anything, no, I wouldn't have liked it. (After the dirigibles got impaled upon the steeple, how on earth was it even possible for them to fly it after that?)

But every single person was so damn hot that I decided to not care about the unbelievable plot. It's like porn: you don't always watching it for the stellar plot line. And given the way I feel about clothing, this might well have been somewhat like my version of porn.

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

I am very pleased that you enjoyed it. (: And I do wish that I'd been able to listen in on those conversations.
(I imagine they fired up the balloon with enough hot air that it could lift off the steeple and limp over to the Louvre, where dirigibles go to die. Perhaps the British vessel's balloon didn't get pierced.)
And watch how, as a gentleman, I make no improper public speculations about you and porn.

[marialuminous.livejournal.com]

Also, how did they suddenly mass-produce these flying ships? Even if every person in the country was making dirigibles around the clock, it still should have taken longer than that to get a full fleet of them.

And thank you. As always, you are the perfect gentleman.

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

Buckingham had those plans for... three years, I think. I figure if the Cardinal can whip up a 'new improved' version that quickly, then despite its lack of an actual armed force England could have been making more airships for years.

Dude. I'm *justifying* the crazy of this film. wtf?

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

Still, it doesn't take a genius to realize what the weakness of the airship is, and the idea that they started out aiming for the strongest part of their enemy's vessel is laughable.

See, yes, that. The worst part is that in any naval battle at the time the masts and sails would have been the obvious targets anyway. *sigh*

As for the training involved in just getting the things moving anyway, sure the Cardinal's soldiers could've had that training but how in the name of all that's holy did our Musketeers work it out? They had what, five minutes? Right.

Also can we talk about the design of the Cardinal's vessel? Giant golden scorpions? Really? Wow.

[phillipalden.livejournal.com]

I've heard nothing but bad/indifferent reviews of this remake that didn't need to be remade.