My weight is now back to where it was when I left California. Which is a good thing, I suppose, but not why I'm on the diet. And the reason I bring it up here is because dropping that fifty pounds brought me back to where I started from, and not making progress. Largely because I don't know what I want to progress toward. For twenty years the answer was 'tomorrow', and if I could get myself through another day, maybe with enough money to pay the bills, maybe with some food, then I had won again. Right now, survival is covered, and... the things I thought I wanted extra time for are failing to keep my attention, to incite my passion. Again, I don't have a conclusion, I don't have a proper wrap up. I just think it's been a while since I had an entry with substance.
I'm not going to California this year. This does not please me. Especially when I've watched this trend creep along, year by year. When first I was in Michigan, I would go back three or four times a year. And slowly it shifted to two--Christmas holidays and before the Ashland trip. And then just before the Ashland trip. And now...
Each decision made sense, each was practical, each made with wide open eyes. And I had so many other places to go with friends to visit. I'm now attending three times as many Ambercons as I used to. And since Rose and Brian moved to Chicago, which is not only more convenient to pack for and travel to, not only cheap to get to, and full of things I want to see and do, it's also full of Brian and Rose. California still feels like being home. I'm ... just never home.
I guess I either need to find something to do or get satisfied with what I'm already doing. I am not forwarding this on to FaceBook. It's not a secret, it's nothing I want to keep hidden. I just... don't feel like sharing it with 400 of my closest friends.
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