Learning experience

[cyrano]

Apparently I suck at parties. Who'da thunk.

However, lovely women telling me I look good should happen more often.

Comments

[gconnor.livejournal.com]

At least two people I know with mixed social anxiety and depression (shaken, not stirred) have a habit of replaying stressful interactions in their minds over and over after the fact. I tell them this is not always helpful because they tend to a) guess wrong about what other people feel and b) revise their estimates of how terrible or wrong something must have been. Sometimes it's extreme to the point where we've just had a nice dinner party and everything seems fine and when I see the person the next day she says something like "That's it! I'm never going to talk about X or Y in front of people again! Everyone must hate me now!"

Anyway, I guess the moral of the story is, seek some objective viewpoint from someone you care about who was there too, because your estimate of what other people feel, and your estimate of how well you did are both subject to misperception depending on your stress level.

[satyrlovesong.livejournal.com]

Yep.

I went to a party a few months ago, and met a CHARMING gentleman. We spent hours talking, then I made a special point to give him my business card. I was practically floating on air when he called the next day, but *somehow* he got the impression that I didn't really like him and was just toying with him. After all, why would a pretty girl who had had guys swarming like bees to honey want to spend time with a heavy set guy with a limp, right?

Wrong! I happen to prefer big guys, and more importantly this guy grokked me and my occasionally off beat sense of humour. And he understands and shares my obsession for researching, and consulting the encyclopedia on obscure scientific or historical trivia. He's a tech geek too, so his eyes don't glaze over when I start raving about the benefits of clustering. And he's funny, and charming, and he COOKS!!!

But no, I must not like him because he's big and awkward and shy and sometimes mis-speaks or there is a moment of perfectly (to me) comfortable silence.

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

I don't *remember* getting your business card...

[satyrlovesong.livejournal.com]

Nope. We haven't met yet (that I know of) but I imagine we will eventually. We have enough things in common, but don't end up in the same areas of California often.

But I *do* enjoy your writing, and your good sense. That's why I read you periodically after seeing comments on rightkindofme's journal, and eventually wanted to know more.

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I was amusing myself there. I'm pretty good with silence and less good with tech.
I do hope I make sense here. I worry that recently my writing is more caustic or superficial in an unconscious reaction to a world that seems to grow darker and more bleak. But this journal isn't just for me, and it makes me happy to know people are reading it.
And I'm looking forward to meeting you.

[amanda_lodden.livejournal.com]

Oh, totally. The movie-star type is pretty to drool over, but unless he's got an utterly amazing personality, I'll be over talking to the geek in the gaming T-shirt if you need me.

Some people have gaydar, I have geekdar. I can sniff them out even when they're dressed the same as everyone, and a geek who also looks nice? Heaven on earth.

It doesn't even have to be a tech geek, either. Gaming, books, plays, movies that don't star Adam Sandler or Lindsay Lohan, politics (real politics, not "I'm a [insert party here]" but unable to explain why)... you name it.

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

I do have some social anxiety, which played into the evening, but it was more:
It's hot, and crowded, and there is nowhere to stand where I don't feel like I'm in the way, and it's noisy. I'm getting sensory overload. In this particular case, I know very few people, and I don't talk to strangers. (Not yet, at least--still working on that.) Within an hour I was feeling the urge to flee. So I hung out on the patio for a while, which helped.
And no, it didn't help that everybody at Gayle's parties is a well-educated handsome clever self-actualized being; that was intimidating, but not the main source of my stress. I didn't feel like I was incompetent, I just find large groups of people exhausting.

[satyrlovesong.livejournal.com]

You're not alone in that. My first Pryankster party felt the same way, but luckily I had a couple of friends who were VERY supportive. *soft smile* In fact, loupyone kindly led me into the garage where I could be blissfully alone in the cool (relative) silence, and guarded the door until I felt well enough to socialize. Social overload is fairly common in tech geeks, I've found.

The other realization I've come to is that EVERYONE, even those "well-educated handsome clever self-actualized beings" has their own moments of panic and despair and there is a good chance that they envy YOU for some talent you might not even realize you possess.

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

That sounds lovely. It took me a while to figure out that I had options at these sorts of gatherings aside from "Stick it out and suffer" and "flee the scene". I imagine that I was (was?) nearly as frustrating to deal with as I was frustrated.

[xleste.livejournal.com]

Hi sweetie - I didn't find you at all frustrating and glad you took steps to take care of yourself. It was a little noisy and /I/ was overloaded at times - and I'm a rabid extrovert. :)

THANK you for coming and being there and wishing me a happy birthday. It was truly lovely to see you!

[denyse.livejournal.com]

You're probably just a bit of an introvert if you find large groups of people exhausting and don't want to run out and talk to strangers. That doesn't mean you're not interesting, fun, and good looking. Heck, I married a fun, good looking somewhat introverted geek (and I think I can be a bit of one too) - so I am highly approving of the type. And getting overloaded at parties sometimes is part of trope.

I wasn't really sure what self-actualized was, but when I wikipedia'd it, it says (in part) that they are people accepting of themselves and others. That's a rare thing.

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

I'm definitely a bit of an introvert. I'm just an introvert who likes to be around people. (:
I don't have to enjoy it, but I would like to be *able* to talk to strangers, in case it's neccessary. Like at a party, or if I'm lost, or if my future wife is similarly reticent and I need to get her attention so that we can meet.
And being accepting of yourself and others is unfortunately rare, but it's one of the things that makes Gayle such a delight to be around.

[wildpaletz.livejournal.com]

Not to mention, a noticeable percentage of "self-actualized" people are simply creating new layers of self-deception and smugness with which to cope with their own insecurities (you've been to LA, right?). But I'm just a research psychologist, what do I know :)

I think you're spot on about the introversion/extroversion thing, denyse. And your husband is FRIGGIN HILARIOUS. Brilliance, humor, and awesomeness are not necessarily the same as shiny extroversion.

And that gconnor is probably right about--Cyrano was probably perfectly charming, if a little overloaded and thus withdrawn.

Hugs to CyranoCyrano. If you want a cold, sparsely populated room, please feel free to visit us! We're warm on the inside, it's just that we're trying to save energy/$$ and it's been hella cold out.

[xleste.livejournal.com]

While I don't claim any of my guests are actually self-actualized, I would say that I really don't think a lot of them are the ones that create a lot of a layers of self-deception and smugness. I tend not to enjoy being around that much. :)

And knowing the people there relatively well, trust me wholly on this one, we ALL have our faults, insecurities, traumas, pain points - that's probably the biggest /binding/ thing of the people in the room, though likely not the biggest topic of party conversation.

[wildpaletz.livejournal.com]

Yah, not LA!

And hey, cyranocyrano, at least you could go the party!

[lil-m-moses.livejournal.com]

You and me both, brother. When I'm doing well and have prep time I can go into it like a stage production, putting on my schmoozing shorts. Still exhausting, but I usually come out of it feeling less like someone painted me purple and stuck googly eyes all over my face.

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

Hmmmmm. For the next party? I may have to consider painting myself purple and sticking googly eyes all over my face. That may be just the ice breaker I've been looking for.
*hugs*